


If you can't trust yourself

by Violet26



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet26/pseuds/Violet26
Summary: What happens when you're ready to admit your feelings to the friend that you've loved for years but you're uncertain that you can keep old habits at bay? If they say yes and you begin a new relationship, can you trust yourself?





	If you can't trust yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a happy story but it does have a hopeful ending. It also mentions suicide, if that's a trigger for you please don't read it. I wrote this a while ago and just found it the other day. I debated some on putting it up then decided to do it today. It takes place some time during or after STID.

The memory of Leonard with his arm stuck, his life on the line, ran through Jim's mind over and over whenever he found a quiet moment alone. It was so real, as if it were happening all over again. So many things from over the years tended to play cruelly in his head repeatedly, but, that moment was a constant reminder of what could have been. It was a reminder of what he could have lost. It also lead Jim to his decision. Life was too short, he wouldn't waste another minute longer than he had to. He went to sleep with a new determination and a plan to confess his feelings to his friend as soon as possible.

* * *

The room was nearly black when he entered it. The lights were at five maybe ten percent and that was the only reason Jim saw the figure sitting on the floor next to the bed, legs bent in front of him and arms resting on knees, a flask in one hand. Jim knew they'd have to talk, he expected it but he had hoped his friend would have been sober for it. The other man glanced up as Jim walked further into the room. The eerie silence did nothing to calm his nerves. “I'm sorry” Jim began before his lover had a chance to speak up. He was, more than he ever had been in his life. He had made a huge mistake, had messed up so badly and would do anything to change it if he could. “I'm so sorry Bones.” Jim whispered as he knelt in front of the other man, making sure to give him space in the process. He was met with a cold glare that looked dangerous in the low lighting. He ordered the lights to fifty percent and both men took a moment to adjust to the new light before either spoke. The silence was killing Jim. “It was an accident.” he plead desperately.

Leonard gave Jim a puzzled look. “How do you accidentally sleep with someone?” he asked incredulously.

Jim looked away, feeling shame wash over him. He knew nothing he said would be a good excuse and he wasn't searching for forgiveness, he didn't deserve it. He just needed the man he loved to understand, understand that he was sorry. He needed him to understand that it wouldn't happen again. “I was drunk” he said weakly. It was a pathetic excuse, Jim knew, but it was all he had.

Leonard snorted, glanced around the room and held up his flask mockingly. “You don't see anyone else around here, do you? and I’m ..” Leonard trailed his words and put the flask to his lips. He took a long drink before shaking it in from of him, the meaning was clear. “Try again sweetheart “ he sneered. 

Jim fought hard against tears that were starting to sting his eyes, wiping at them furiously with the back of his hand. “God” he said, shaking his head. “I know, I know, you're right, I have no excuse “ his voice trembled as he spoke. The guilt of what he did and his lover’s heartbreak was overwhelming.

“There you go.“ Leonard replied, bitterly.

Jim looked up and met his lover's eyes. “You deserve better “ He said as the tears began falling freely now. He meant it. He had never intended to hurt his friend and lover so badly. It had been a stupid mistake that never should have happened and Leonard deserved so much more. He began to reach for the other man but thought twice and took his hand back.

Leonard got to his feet shakily. “That's where you're wrong Jimmy.” He began, his voice cold and hard. He stepped around Jim and began walking towards the door. “Joce, you, hell, even myself sometimes” he called out, not bothering to turn around. Jim scrambled to his feet and made to follow but Leonard’s next words stopped him cold. “Have made it quite clear that I don't.” He left their quarters without another word.

Jim stared at the door, feeling hollow. The only thing he could think to do was collapse onto the couch with his elbows on his knees and face in his hands. Leonard’s words continued to ring through his head. He had to fix things, somehow.

Time seemed to pass wretchingly slow for Jim. He wasn't sure how long he had been in the same position on the couch or how long it had been since Leonard left but some time during the night he was startled from a state in between sleep and wake by a comm from nurse Chapel asking him to come to sickbay. His heart tightened and he felt sick all of a sudden at the sound in her voice. There was a sense of urgency behind that professional calm. A feeling of dread washed over him and he didn't even bother to tell Chapel he was on his way. He just raced out of his quarters and down to sickbay as fast as he could.

When Jim reached sickbay he hesitated before going in, something was horribly wrong, he just knew it. He took a few steadying breaths and entered. What met his eyes when he entered the room made his stomach drop.

Nurse Chapel knelt next to a body on the other side of the room. Her angle made it hard to figure out exactly who it was but Jim had an idea. “Please no” he whispered with a desperation when he managed to get his body to move. His knees weakened when his fears were proven correct. “Bones” he called out hoarsely. On the floor next to nurse Chapel was his friend, confidant, lover and the CMO of the Enterprise; Dr. Leonard McCoy. Jim took in the scene before him; Leonard slumped against a storage closet near his office, his eyes closed and a hypo near his hand on the floor. He was so still and unnaturally peaceful. Jim did nothing at first, shock made his mind blank. He knew, in his gut, what her answer would be but he turned to Christine, who was still kneeling next to Leonard, with a desperate hope that he was wrong. She looked at him with unshed tears in her eyes and without words she answered his unasked question. One simple shake of her head caused Jim’s world to crash around him. His knees hit the floor, no longer able to support him and he broke down. Words spilled from Jim’s mouth as tears stained his cheeks. “No, can't be, my fault,” he grabbed Leonard’s hand. It was so cold, such a contrast to how the doctor's hands normally were. Jim bent his head to rest on the hand in his own. “No Bones, please, no, no, no” his eyes shut tightly.

* * *

 Jim’s body jerked up. “No!” he screamed into the empty room and his eyes shot open. He barely registered the darkness of the room as he searched frantically for the trash receptacle next to his bed. His stomach convulsed and he retched until he tasted bile. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Jim sat back and took in his surroundings. It was dark, too dark to see, but he knew he was in his bed. His body was shaking and tense, he was breathing hard and a cold sweat layered his skin and matted his hair to his forehead. “A dream.” he whispered to the room, just a dream.” His breathing began to even out and he laid back down. “A nightmare” he corrected himself. Running a hand through his damp hair, Jim was tempted to comm his friend. He had an urgent desire to hear Leonard’s voice but glancing at the time made him change his mind. As Jim’s body finally relaxed a thought passed through his head. The nightmare may not have been real but it had been eye-opening. He loved his friend, more than he should love a friend, differently than he should love a friend, more than he loved anyone. He had wanted to tell Leonard how he felt but he wouldn't, not yet anyway. He wouldn't say anything until he knew he could trust himself, trust himself not to break his friend's heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, if you have thoughts of suicide, please, reach out to someone; a counselor, parents, friends, hotlines, chat rooms, anyone you feel comfortable talking to. Your life matters!


End file.
